after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
