can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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