Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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