No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Randomize
