batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
Randomize
