I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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