literally had 100 drinks last night.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
hahah your definitly as dumb as I think I thought you are. boom roasted.
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he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
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He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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