i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
