I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
