I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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