Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Can't really tell your Mom you are moody due to dick deprivation.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
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