No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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