the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Randomize