seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I am highly attracted to the men and that's all i can say. I do not clap and make noises but i do turn to the side and say how i'd do incredible things to them if given the chance
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
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