I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
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