Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Apparently I give handjobs in my sleep. So that's interesting.
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
