I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Randomize
