just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
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I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
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I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.