somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
