Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
