and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Randomize
