My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
I think you came in my ear last night and I had to pick it out infront of my kids in class today
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
I think that's mostly how we became friends.
Well that, and your desire to put your penis in me.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
