dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
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He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
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Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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