so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Randomize
