you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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