If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
