I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
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