i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
I love you. Go after that dick
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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