It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Randomize
