Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Randomize
