Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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