i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
my underwear are soaked with white zifandel yet i have continued to wear them despite the fact im at home
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Plus, it's just valuable. Virgin pee is very well-priced.
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
That kid singlehandedly fucked the breakup right out of me. I'm only hooking up with Millenials from here on out.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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