I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I dont know it just seems wrong to fuck her on my exes back porch
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
just saw those girls we met the other night. i happen to be wearing a bunny suit and driving your smart car. i think its safe to say thats a no go situation.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
