Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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