she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
