So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
you also choked him out with your legs on the kitchen floor..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
