Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Let the healthy eats/juice cleanse begin. Today is day 1
Have you cleansed yourself of the boy yet?
Oh, do you remember telling everyone you were with that your vagina was angry last night?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
Randomize
