seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
Randomize
