Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
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