Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
Randomize
