Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
