I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
