i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
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