piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
He was standing in the front door with a kareoke machine yelling at the neighbors as the unloaded their van
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Well, you were never considered a shining example of sobriety anyway
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
