The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
Bang-toberfest begins!!
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Randomize
