I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Randomize
