o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
We need to talk about your improper dealings with the town drug dealer.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Fuck me I smell like cheese
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
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