I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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