I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
she's doing key bumps of parmesean cheese
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
