And now I'm afraid that I'm a pornographic eater.
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Randomize
