I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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