I just made out with a guy for $7.
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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