last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
I think you just have to raise your bang age from 40 to 50, hope dust doesn't fly out and make her say tony danza
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
