My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
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