I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
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