if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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