nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Drunk naked twister. My place. Heath is trying to use his dick as a third leg.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
Randomize
