just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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